I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
