when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
