I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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