By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
did you just send me my own nude
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
