i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
