I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
