you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
