god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
