my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
