I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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