i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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