Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
