My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have already put on my inside pants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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