3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
