I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
