Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
