so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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