mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit