She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.