Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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