Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
