you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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