If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
