At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found your dick twin last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
