just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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