She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
