Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
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I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
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I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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