One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
