yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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