i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
