the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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