we made out on top of his cat.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
