I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
