Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
