i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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