and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
