I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
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Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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