Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
