She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
