toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
