I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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