last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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