you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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