i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
