This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
