hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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