Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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