I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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