literally had 100 drinks last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
