Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
