You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
