Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
