im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
