Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
