you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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