Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
