i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My vagina just recognized that song.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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