I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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