In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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