Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
