just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
