I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
