the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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