Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
